tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 18, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
(audience chanting stephen) down here, up there, up there, right there, out there! thanks so much, everybody! welcome to "the late show"! (cheers and applause) welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. shocking news tonight feud everyone is talking about: donald trump versus the pope. and as america's foremost catholic, let me explain what happened. the pope is in mexico right now, where he was asked about donald trump's plan to build a border wall. and his holiness said, quote: "a person who thinks only about building walls wherever they may be and not of building bridges is not christian. this man is not christian if he has said things like that."
then trump's okay because he has not said things like that. he has said exactly that. okay. because trump wants to build a wall around this country. i wonder where he could have gotten a crazy idea like that. maybe the vatican?! (laughter) (applause) boom! >> places (applause) i am in trouble. (laughter) of course, donald trump responded immediately. >> so the mexican government fed the pope a tremendous amount of stuff about "trump is not a good person." and the pope just-- can you imagine? i just got a call, as i'm walking up here. they said, "mr. trump, the pope made a statement about you." i said, "the pope? what did the pope say?" i like the pope. i mean, was it good or bad? because if it's good, i like the if it's bad, i don't like the pope.
respect his honesty. it is like jesus said, "blessed are the poor, unless they said something bad about me, then screw 'em." (laughter) (cheers and applause) i want to try to broker a peace. mr. trump, mr. pope, is it possible that you guys are fighting because you have so much in common?ink you're infallible. you both sit on golden thrones and you both wear very silly (laughter) (applause)rump had to have the last word. >> so i wrote this out very quickly about the pope. do you want to hear it? >> stephen: not really.great show
(cheers and applause) to the star of "madam secretary," tee a leoni. (cheers and applause) i'll sit down with the lovely amanda peet. (cheers and applause) then i'll be talking to my old triumph insult comic dog. (cheers and applause) ( band playing )jon batiste and the stay human experience. they are about to kick this off, but before they do, one more thing: a new study found that saying you have minority friends will make you appear less racist.my buddy jose said. (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> announcer: tonight...
audience. i learned my lesson the night i tried to pass off a mop with sunglasses as leonardo dicaprio. though it worked out for the mop -- i hear he is dating kate upton.nt with you and admit that, occasionally, we get paid to feature a sponsor's product on the show.gh standards for product placement as i do for appearing nude on camera -- it has to be integral to the plot, or i have no choice.e of those things is true. but i think we have managed to make it so organic, you might not even notice. on a completely unrelated note,thirsty right now. you know what would really hit the spot? my favorite beverage... taste the steering wheel! with six doors and a massivethe biggest mini ever. in its surprisingly spacious interior we can fit:
opposing sides.ederate soldiers in the front, because they started it, and three union soldiers in the back. they're five brothers from theextra tragic. but there is a happy ending, because there is so much room in the clubman, they do not need to fight. because as lincoln never said,d against itself cannot stand, but they do not have to stand with all that space to sit."car is heaven. that was tonight's commercial integration. (cheers and applause)there are just so many stories out there, i can't possibly talk about them all. luckily, i don'tecause i'm relinquishing editorial control in my new segment: ( audience ) wheel! of! news!
works. we've installed a giant spinning wheel on the ceiling of the ed sullivan theater with categories (cheers and applause) -- with categories like "entertainment," "politics, "sports," and "guacamole." (laughter)ds on guacamole, that is fifty cents extra. when i pull this lever, the wheel spins, then i talk aboutands on. here's the thing. i didn't give the guys enoughinish the dome. totally my fault. so here is what we're going to do. so this guy holding the pole right (cheers and applause) this is brendan hurley.
(cheering) brendan is asleep under my desk, the bernie sanders thing the other night, he was under the desk feeding me sandwiches on brendan is also a scenic on the show, and since we can't get theight, he's going to help me with the model we based the dome on, this spinning wheel. we're going to use the model it was based on to do this i'm going to spin the wheel and when it stops, i'll do the thing. you guys ready to play? (cheering) show(laughter) you have to make the clicky
tick tick tick tick tick... tick...tephen: keep ticking. tick tick tick tick tick... tick list ... stephen: okay. it landed on "cheese news." >> ding, ding, ding, ding! >> stephen: the latest hard oroft news about kurdleed dairy. this week, a shocking discovery from the parmesan wars, because the u.s.d.a. revealed that some cheese suppliers of grated ding wood pulp. (audience reacts) is that that's right.t i said. your parmesan is sporting wood. now they explain this wood pulp is just cellulose which is used as an anti-clumping agent. and sure, "a little anti-clumping agent never hurt anyone." is a lot of it. a sample of parmesan from one grocery chain was 8.8% wood pulp.
bookshelf. now personally, i am outraged by this breach of trust. i don't check on what goes intolways assumed someone does.more news! more news! okay. hold on. hold on. you spin it.e anything that pulls the lever? give me your other hand. ready in okay!k, tick, tick! >> stephen: oh, oh, oh! oh, looks like it might be mini clubman integration. no, it lands on "mental health." ing, ding! (laughter) >> stephen: okay. great, this is a topic that is a,
moment to shine a light on it. a beautiful light like... the interior ambient lighting molded into the 2016 mini clubman doors!ause) and that's it for "mental health." let's spin again!ick, tick, tick, tick, tick! (cheers and applause) >> tick... tick... stephen: according to a recent study, people who are significantly overweight may perceive han they actually are. which explains the old joke "yo mamma is so fat, her depth perception is wildly inaccurate." (laughter) let's spin again!
>> click without context! jim! (barking) let's spin again!ve you forever for being with me at this moment. which one is this one?de laws!" like most knife news, this one comes from wisconsin. >> governor scott walker put pen to paper today to sign new legislation lifting the ban on concealed switchblades. a measure protecting freedom supported by the constitution. the ban on switchblades had been in effect since the 1950s.ht. scott walker has lifted wisconsin's 60-year-old ban on concealed switchblades. i applaud the governor;mportant issue of 2016. because let's say you are just cruising down to the malt shop with your best gal, only to run into some toughs who want to to your t-bird. you have got a constitutional
varsity jacket.happen anytime, anywhere -- sock hops, five-and-dimes, the old aqueduct, jimmy's garage whereer school. without your blade, you could end up deadsville, daddy-o. keep in mind, if you are new to it, it is important to toss it from hand to hand. that way they never know which hand you are coming at them with. gimme news... >> tick, tick, tick. tick, tick, t to warn our affiliates, we might be going long. >> tick, tick, tick, tick. >> stephen: national monuments! monuments? tick, tick, ding! (laughter)
service says as donating $18.5 million to help restore the lincoln memorial. hopefully, that is enough to make lincoln stand up and talk -- like he does at disney world. personally, i think the money would be better spent on the washington monument. e him. there you go. (applause) (cheers and applause) spun it! >> tick, tick, tick! >> stephen: five second hit it, eddy! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: more news!" again. a recent study says humans and neanderthals interbred 50,000 years earlier than previouslyhing else
thought: beer goggles. want to try? we're going for entertainment.ick, tick, tick, tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick... tick, tick...: i've gone around all the way once. i don't think it's on here! >> ding! >> stephen: there it is!ent! (cheers and applause) the oscar producers are now promising that this telecast will be "the most diverse ever."f every race, color, and creed will be on hand to give a trophy to whatever white person wins. (laughter)ll, that's it, folks!
it better be on here! i don't know! (cheers and applause) there it is! ready? oh! commercial break! we'll be right back with tee a leoni! this is a chick car. this is a gay car. this is a short man's car. ar. slow car. this is a single, young, professional's car. this car has no street cred.'t hip hop! kidless. cute. small.
sfx: cell phone vibrates. yeah? (sigh) you're okay... he's okay, he made it! jason.. what do you mean? we were very bad boys.e news? alexa: here's the news, "alec baldwin and jason schwartzman were seen mooning paparazzi. baldwin threw his shoe at photographers before making a run for it". my poor cashmere socks...der another pair of brescianis. reordering bresciani socks. okay listen... can you send some lawyoaning) ...alec? so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain.rt, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? hen things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree.ant someone like me.
ah. it's too good to be true. don't say that. it's called the 60 second six pack. it's called the abinator. it's called the pulsator. (buzzing sound) (groans) finally, something te. it's oscar mayer natural turkey breast, and it tastes great. t every ship in the caribbean but hurry, this offer won't last long come seek the royal caribbean
>> stephen: that's some lovely bling you've got there. >> thank you. stephen: i thought it was a dollar bill. i couldn't quite tell what that symbol was there. well, congratulations on "madamhank you. >> stephen: no secret to owe, when a lot of people see this, they think she's playing hillary clinton. >> yes. >> stephen: secretary of state, blonde.phen: powerful. blonde. >> stephen: yes. people think that. >> they do, but i promise you, i -- i didn't have hillary intephen: really? i think she maybe had hillary in mind. i'll prove it to you. we had her on a couple of months ago and this is what she said. clip. >> stephen: what do you binge like? >> do i like "madam secretary." >> stephen: you do. i do. >> stephen: don't just say that because it's a cbs show. >> no, because i watch "madam watch "good wife."
over again. >> stephen: have you learned anything about the state department playing this role? >> glee because people don't think about the state department a lot.overnment we forget about. >> i think that's true and actually i think maybe theot was from madeleine albright former secretary of state which said thank you for making foreign policy less foreign. >> stephen: wow.-- (cheers and applause) and i think that's somewhat true. >> stephen: she consults on the show, right? >> well, she was on the show, yes. and we got some stories out ofetty great. >> stephen: does she think what you're doing is accurate? >> well, sometimes she gets a little mad at me. >> stephen: for what?now, not doing it right. (laughter) >> stephen: what are you doing's not how i would ask for a drone strike!
what are you doing wrong? >> oh, gosh, i don't know. she's very picky, you know.y of state. she knows the gig and -- >> stephen: you don't get that gig without -- >> -- and she'll say, no, that >> stephen: what have you done that would never happen? >> oh, i have been blown up, already, season one. >> stephen: well, you look >> thank you. >> stephen: you're also a mother. >> yes. >> stephen: would you rather negotiate as secretary of state with vladimir putin or with they can be like terrorists. (laughter) >> yes, it's true. i think i could negotiate with teenagers. (applause) >> stephen: they're >> yes. i have a 13-year-old boy. putin's a breeze. >> stephen: exactly. yeah. >> stephen: i understand that your son sort of convinced you
he said, mom, you've got to gof the house or what was it? (laughter) >> i hadn't worked in a few years and he said, you know, i've got this -- he's 12 at the >> stephen: i'd like you to leave. >> yes. >> stephen: in essence, it was, listen, go back, get out there, youi want this for you, mom! >> yes! and i took that as i thought that was a very beautiful moment between us and i said, okay, here iow, and i did. i returned. you know, you have your ups and your downs.u work these kind of hours and -- actually, i thought it was going very well, i will tell you this, until halloween, and my son, i are you going to be for halloween? he's not too old. he said, i'm going to be an
(laughter), i thought, that's creative, that's good. i thought, oh, my god, i'm not there! he's smoking dope! (laughter) a disaster! and this rage of guilt, like, i'm always working and clearly it's probably coke! (laughter)ng and then i'm running and driving home and running it through my mind -- an old fashioned lobster, there will be the oven mits, that what's the rest of this thing going to be? and i walked in and he was an old fashioned mobster! (laughter)>> stephen: did you tell him you thought lobber? >> no. >> stephen: no? don't ever tell him you thought lobster. >> i won't and he's note he's not impressed. >> stephen: good. he's going to go, is she smoking dope? (laughter) stick around, i'd love to talk
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and applause) >> stephen: we're back with the lovely and talented tee as and applause) i understand one week from tonight you are turning 50 years old. congratulations. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: what? i'm turning 59.tephen: you're turning 59 years old? wow! wow! well, i mean, still an you look great for any age, but amazing! (laughter) >> here's the thing...
about theirshould not lie about your age. but they lie the wrong way! (laughter) >> stephen: are you not going to turn 59? >> no.tephen: you're actually turning 50? >> maybe. my point is -- >> stephen: so the point is -- if you lie like womenwrong way -- >> stephen: so, say i'm turning 40. >> well, if you're turning 40, you look like crap. (laughter) >> stephen: yes. and if i say, i'm turning 59,ike, wow! you look pretty good for 59! >> stephen: well you look pretty good for any age! >> thank you. >> stephen: did i understand your plan was not to be an actress that this was sort of ayou were going to be an anthropologist? >> yes. >> stephen: there is a lot of different anthropology. were you going to study native es!
and i was very, very good at it. >> stephen: you were good at anthropology? >> i was good at it. >> stephen: oh, man, i have the anthropology game down! i can deal! do you want to anthropolojize? >> let's do it. >> stephen: i totally get your tribal crap! >> you are so wrong! >> stephen: what kind of anthropology?t of classic anthropology. i was doing it in college, i was very good at it. >> stephen: so why didn't you go for it?oing to go for it and then my dad said to me, before you become an anthropologist, you should go to a cocktail party with a bunch ofgists. (laughter) >> stephen: what does that mean? >> that was my first thought. then it hit me and i thought, oh! you know, academics -- no but it was sort of --
>> stephen: so you went to a cocktail party? how did you find one? (laughter) there is no craigslisting forgists. so you hunted down these people -- >> no, i got it. i knew what he meant. i was mad because i it. >> stephen: so your fall-back position was actress? that was the safe choice? >> no, that was just a little trick i played on my dad. but i think the advice that he it. do it because you're passionate about it and you will get good at it. and that was really smart. that was great advice.ause) so i don't know, i mean, i still to this day -- >> stephen: yep. i didn't think i would make a better anthropologist than antephen: yeah? give me a favorite not your culture that you grew up in that interests you. >> the tiwi indians of
immediately, yeah, yeah. (laughter) you would have been an extremely sexy anthropologist.en: you really would have. >> thank you. >> stephen: you could have played yourself later. (laughter)much for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: been a pleasure. thank you guys.retary" airs sundays at 8:00, 7:00 central on cbs. tee a leoni is 73 years old, everybody! we'll be right back! with advil, you' ll ask what backache? what sore wrist? what headache?der? advil makes pain a distant memory. nothing works faster stronger than advil it' s the world' s #1 choice.
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: what an amazingly >> thank you. >> stephen: it looks like it's stitched together with flowers. it's amazing. >> it's like a big quilt. a big doily. >> stephen: it's should just stop talking. >> stephen: no, you have to keep talking for the next seven minutes. >> right. >> stephen: i'm a huge fan of yours and i really love the>> i'm a huge fan of yours. >> stephen: that's very nice. we can keep this up for the next seven minutes and i will be happy as a clam.eath. >> stephen: you have kids of your own. >> i have three kids which is sort of like three million kids. >> stephen: are you going to go for a fourth? >> what! >> stephen: you're already inse. you're already maximally inconvenienced, so go for a fourth. >> no! i'm 44 years old. i'm actually 44. >> stephen: tee stay 85 years old! >> wow!
>> stephen: she moisturizes!tta get some of that! >> no, there's no more time to have any more children. >> stephen: you just had a >> and by the skin of his teeth he made it here! he's a miracle baby. >> stephen: skin of your teeth is not how you make a baby.t want to shock anybody. i'll write it down for you. see, you get the thing and thing goes like that, yeah, that's how itxactly how it works. kind of works that way. anyyin way, we'll have this up on the web site later. (laughter) just click the "i'm button. i didn't know. you could have adopted. i don't know. cough. >> stephen: do you want a
>> stephen: ricola! (laughter) there you go. you could just tear off part of your dress. (laughter) (applause) there you go. there you go. there you go. glamour. >> what happened? >> stephen: we're just having fun! we're just having fun!wing noise) (laughter) >> stephen: your illustrious husband is one of the creators of "game of thrones.": do you ever want to be on that show? >> yes, i do. >> stephen: i want to be on that show, too. >> are you serious? >> stephen: i haven't watchedng the books. i'm saving it till i read all of it. my kid was in the room and i said, i can't watch that.u want to be on the show? >> a swordswoman. >> stephen: okay. (laughter) >> what do you want to be?
really horrific death! >> me,tephen: i want to die like this, going, please, my lord, no! >> with blood gurgling. >> stephen: blood gurgling out of my body. >>phen: we could fight together on the show. >> and maybe david would put you on the show. >> stephen: that would be fun. can you die with an english stephen: please, me lord! that's >> stephen: that's good enough, come on! you're on another hbo show called "togetherness." i love that show. yourt of these people are in mid-life crises in their 40s. >> yes. >> stephen: you have a lovely life. what do you know from theis this a stretch for you? >> no! >> stephen: you don't look like a person in crisis to me.
how come all the women on the show are talking about their ages tonight? >> stephen: i don't know (laughter) so what was your ct's ongoing. >> stephen: i'm catching you mid crisis right now? >> yes. but you know how some men hit middle age and get a, i had a baby. >> stephen: okay. henry is my little motorcycely. he keeps me -- >> stephen: what do you worry about? mid life crisis -- >> i fear death. >> stephen: death? okay. well, we all die. >> right. >> stephen: keep it light. we all die. (laughter) it's a late-night talk show, keep itybe you will die and go to heaven. >> that's where i need help because you're catholic and i'm jewish so we're the same.phen: yes, catholics are the jews of christianity.
(applause) >> t do you sneed? i need to know what to believe in. >> stephen: what happens when you die? >> yes, i don't want to be a bag of dust! i want to haunt my children! you're who?! you did what?! like that, i want david and laura to be ghosts -- >> stephen: like beetler) i don't know what happens. i kind of want the perily gates and all that. >> that's what i want! >> stephen: i want classic. give me classic coke heaven is >> yes. >> stephen: i had a dream that i died and i go to heaven and this really happened, i go to heaven and of crossing the river, you had to cross a really nice hollywood
dwayne the rockuse) (laughter) and all i could think about is i was worried do they have diet coke in heaven?y have a diet coke problem. >> this is really not inspirational. >> stephen: not helping? so nice to have you here. please come again when you're feeling well. (laughter) can i shake your hand and put it? (laughter) >> stephen: season two of "togetherness" premieres this sunday on hbo. amanda peet, everybody! we'll be right back.and applause) unlimited soup or salad starting at just $6.99 think of it as a quesadilla that speaks fluent italian
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it's gluten. in them thar shells. liquid gold. hi, i'd like to make a dep-- r: rescan item. rescan, rescan. rescan item. vo: it happens so often o it. phone voice: main menu representative. representative. representative. vo: which is why being put first... relax, we got this. tting used to. join the nation. nationwide is on your side
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commentator., one question! over here! senator ! is it true you tried to shut down the government so you could go to a nickerback >> no way! all right, i'm never going to get to thism/vt i've got a better idea. (laughter) up here! you can't wait>> stephen: please welcome triumph, the insult comic dog. (cheers and applause)ch! thank you! thank you! >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's my pleasure! how's the show going?
>> oh, i'm sorry. i wasg a terrier backstage. i do it every time. i got it from billthank you. i'm hulu, ladies and gentlemen! hulu! (applause) network shows with all your favorite commercials as well! hulu! >> stephen: you've got great reviews! >> i've gotten amazingphen: fantastic reviews. incredible, everywhere! >> stephen: is it because the show's good or are youe guys? >> wait a minute! after i get a great review, i
my stash of dog: you've sent these photos to critics who said nice things about you? this is somebodyrk star ledger. >> alan steanwolf. he was great. >> stephen: here's from aes, the decider. it was an excellent review. >> stephen: this one you said judd app >> he said my show was hilarious. >> stephen: you're trying to be an honest-to-god journalist now?tephen: you're covering the campaign as if you were a journalist. >> yes. >> stephen: but the jokes you're doing are pretty low brow.nk, millions of tvs are tuned in to the show now because the whole show fell
the race a little late than other people. are there any other people who have dropped out of the race who you miss?acted with a lot of them in the special but since then chris christie's dropped out. i'm sorry about that. >> stephen: yes, last week.now that he's not running for president. i'm worried chris christie might let himself go. (laughter) even though he's out of thetill has a $100,000 a plate dinner scheduled. tomorrow at denny's byaughter) anymore. that's a new triumph! >> stephen: what about carly. i never got to meet carly face to face.
sanders?2016, that's crazy. the man doesn't look a year over 2000! >> stephen: doesn't seem likeob seriously. have you done your research. >> are you kidding me?! have i not done my research? uh do you realize i went tohampshire, i studied every candidate, read every one of their books. >> stephen: every book? every book. would you like to seeen: yes, i would. here's a book i read. i read donald trump, he's making history with his updated new book pride and prejudice now withe by donald trump. (applause) florida governor jeb bush. he still hopes he will be the next presidentn. read about his vision for the country in leading to courage --
(cheers and applause)'s it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be chelsea handler, star of "girls" zosia mamet, and a musical performance by the lumineers. now stick around for james corden. good night!ause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org